Manifesto

Manifesto

Today is Day One of Jeff Goin’s Intentional Blogging Challenge.

I’m taking the opportunity to jump back into writing and blogging.

I’d been discouraged by my home page malfunctioning and procrastinating on getting it fixed. So, I just installed a new theme because I knew I’d just put off doing it again and put off writing.

The first day’s assignment is “Know What Your About”

I almost took the easy way out and just put my About Page here.  (If you haven’t read it, it’s still is worth reading if you want to know about what I do.)

And the instructions were as follows:

The best way I know how to do that is to write a manifesto. Just draft a few hundred words answering the following questions:

  1. What’s the problem? This can be with the government, the world, or some niche hobby.

  2. What’s the solution? What do you propose we do to fix this problem?

  3. What’s the next step? What is the one call-to-action you want to leave people with? Tell me them to do that one thing.

What’s the problem?  I think there are many and that they are overwhelming.  I talk to people about their physical health, about their addictions, about their broken relationships, their uncertainty about who they are and what they will become.

The problem that keeps me up at night is anxiety and fear.  I work with folks in the counseling office and on the phone for coaching appointments all week who are stuck, afraid, confused, anxious, hurt, discouraged, hopeless.

Who are trying so hard to keep it together, to keep going, to keep up.

The first 10 years of my counseling career I specialized in marriage counseling and sexual addiction and pornography addiction.

These days I think the disconnection, isolation and anxiety caused by the pervasiveness of being online and social media is an even worse threat to the emotional and spiritual well-being of individuals and families.

I also have shifted my practice to work more with individuals.

People who are creative and artistic, writers and musicians, who struggle with insecurity and fear of putting their work out there.

Young adults who are searching for their calling, their career, their spouse.

Leaders who are overwhelmed by stress, the pressure and expectations their jobs and responsibilities place on them. Who feel isolated and ashamed by their struggles and depression.

I also love to work with individuals and parents who struggle with perfectionism and procrastination.

Fear, shame and the pace and rhythm of life make us all vulnerable to self-medicating and coping in physically and spiritually unhealthy ways.

Emotional struggles – loneliness, depression, rejection, abandonment, anxiety, addiction, guilt, anger, shame – all disconnect us from what we were designed to experience – an intimate life with God and others.

A lot of people have heard God loves them but they feel disqualified from God’s love because of their past – what they’ve been through or what they’ve done.

Sometimes the hopelessness and overwhelm of the present impairs our ability to experience God’s love.  Pain and trauma also distorts our ability to give and receive love.  And perversely, your ability to rest and give yourself permission to stop, to breathe, to take the time to look at your life, your patterns, rhythms and habits can be broken when in this state.

So, what’s the solution?

I believe the solution is a person, a relationship with our creator God through the son He sent Jesus Christ.  The solution is also reconnecting with our selves, our best selves, our souls.  It is in being present, connected and intimate with others.  To let go of our addictions and striving and performing and experiencing and practicing an emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy rhythm of life that enables to stay connected to God and others.

The Bible says that Jesus came full of grace and truth, to show us who God is and His love for us.

If you’ve grown up in the church, the balance of grace and truth can be very hard to navigate.

Grace and Truth are not two rabbits to be chased, they are two sides of a coin called Love.

The solution to so many of life’s pain, stress and struggle is the reality that

“You are loved.”

I know that may sound cheesy and it can be.

But it can also be everything.

The Resistance says, “You are loved” is cheesy.

It knows that love is the most powerful thing in the universe.

I think it’s one of the main reasons the universe exists, God needed a place big enough to manifest it.

The Resistance knows that love transforms.

That love heals.

Love connects, adopts, brings near and accepts.

Love reconnects what’s lost.

It also gives life and hope when what’s lost won’t ever come back.

The Resistance knows love sees and knows and forgives.

And because love does this, it frees us from shame and hiding.

It knows that love redeems the past.

That love restores what was lost.

Love brings rest and safety to the weary and wounded.

That loves brings light and beauty and hope to sickness, desolation and devastation.

Love makes us brave.  Love tells us we are enough.

With love, the Resistance and Fear die.

Because of this, the Resistance will fight for its life when you try to learn to love, to find love or try to love again.

It will try to isolate you and talk you out of it.

That’s why Love requires others.

What’s the next step?

Change, healing and rest are difficult.  Trying something new, even though you know you need to, is scary.  Sometimes, it’s not scary it’s discouraging because it’s something that isn’t unknown, it’s getting back to something you used to have and your frustrated or ashamed at how far off track you’ve gotten.

I encourage you to follow this blog or subscribe.  I share what I’m learning as a dad, husband, friend and counselor here.  Writing helps me do what I do better; most of what I write can be tagged “Memo-to-self”.  I hope it helps you know you aren’t alone and encourages you to face your past, your present and future.

This blogging challenge has encouraged me to post my first blog series on overcoming fear, on getting unstuck, on bridging the gap from where you are to where you want to be.  It is based on a keynote talk I did last Fall and Sunday School lesson I did for church.

It will be helpful if you want to make changes in your physical health, relationships, career or education path and especially if you struggle with procrastination and over-thinking; it will help you develop an action plan to overcome your fears of starting.

Kind of like this week’s blogging challenge.

Something the Seahawks taught me about parenting

A Throwback Thursday post


You’ve probably seen this video of last year’s Seahawks comeback playoff victory.
If you haven’t seen it, watch it, it’s awesome.
As you watch or re-watch it, note the silences.

When the onside kick leaves the kicker’s foot and takes the big bounce.
When the Wilson hands off to Lynch
When Green Bay lines up for a field goal, three points down
When the ball leaves Wilson’s hands
When the play starts, when you don’t know what’s going to happen next.

There’s a lot of agonizing in the silences.

A lot of parenting is the silences.

You let fly and you hold your breath wondering how it’s going to turn out.
You let go, give them the responsibility of a choice, and hope they end up where they should.
Sometimes the time the ball leaves your hand till the time you see what plays out lasts for years.
The suffering in the silence makes the outcome that much sweeter.
The hugs, the tears, the screams, the euphoria.

I’m writing this because of today’s sunrise
A simple thing
It happens every day
At least somewhere in the world
But it was really special this morning
Because it’s been so dark lately

In more than a few ways

I’ve been talking to lots of patients about death and life lately
But what limits them, what they are afraid of
Talking to clients about what holds them back and their fear of failure
Talking to people who are tired

Wives who are tired of broken promises
Parents who are tired of the same fights with their kids
Moms who are tired of feeling guilty and not good enough

And what I realized this morning driving in, soaking in the clear sunlit sky was that what they are missing
What I am missing
What that football game last weekend gave us a glimpse of
Is the abandonment to joy that comes after suffering for a time.

“The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning.
It’s time to sing Your song again.
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me.
Let me be singing when the evening comes”
– Matt Redman

Seven Ways Pixar’s Inside Out Can Help Your Parenting

 

I’ve blogged some takeways from Pixar’s Inside Out before.

Here’s a Periscope video I did a bit ago when the DVD was released that expands a bit on that post to look at 7 ways Inside Out can help your parenting.

 

Update (11/14/15)

Here’s the 7 points briefly outlined:

1) The movie helps us identify and name our emotions.  It helps makes emotions less overwhelming and scary.  Being able to identify our emotions helps us to be able to recognize and understand the emotions in others, to have empathy.  When we are able to identify our emotions we are better able to communicate what we want and what we need in relationships.

2) The trailer scene.  The emotions and noise in our heads make communication challenging.  This is hard enough when it’s just you as a couple, adding a child adds another handful of emotions; the more you add the greater the complexity.

3) Change makes us vulnerable to our emotions.  As parents, it helps to be especially attentive to your kids, and yourselves, when they go through transitions and change.  Even small ones can trigger big emotions.

4) Our emotions affect our memories.  Often what we “take away”, what we bring into the present and future, when we go through stuff is not just the facts of the experience, often our emotional experience is the most real and powerful thing.  What we focus on, how we frame the experience, what we tell ourselves, the meaning we make are tied together with our emotions.  So, as parents we can coach and help our kids cope and reframe their experience.  And, our examples of resilience and hopefulness – or despair – when going through hard things can greatly influence how they learn to cope with struggles.

5) The Islands.  Riley had islands that formed her identity. These elements affected her self-esteem and her sense of self-worth and she was.  As parents, we can help affirm our kids’ talents, abilities, strengths and potential by giving them opportunities to express who they are and grow into themselves.  We don’t want them to believe that they are worthwhile and loved because of what they do but we do want to help them develop skills and abilities that give them a sense of self-efficacy, strength and industry.

6) Don’t take your kids’ emotions and outbursts personally.  When Riley was struggling, what her parents said and did didn’t always help.  It made an already hard transition, even harder.  It helps to remember not to withdraw from our kids when they desperately need more support, understanding and patience.

7)  The importance of all the emotions.  As parents, we may struggle with anger, fear, disgust – with “negative” emotions.  Inside Out teaches us that all emotions serve a purpose, they can each help us.  They aren’t “bad”, what can be unhealthy and destructive is how we react, what we do and say with them.  Emotions can isolate and destroy us or they can help us ask for help and be even more connected than ever before.

To my daughters on dating

image

Dear lovely daughters of mine, 

It’s not easy for me to think about dating when it comes to you. Maybe a lot of it has to do with my work. Mostly, it’s because I love you so much, want to protect you and what’s best for you. As you grow and have relationships with dudes you’ll have to make your own decisions but here are a few things to watch for when you think about dating and relationships.

Look for a young man, not a boy 
so that you can grow as a young woman and not stay a child. 

And in this young man look for one who 

follows Christ first 
so you are encouraged to do the same without restraint and you’re not put in the place in his life/heart you aren’t meant to be. 

who looks people in the eye and has a firm handshake 
so your parents (ie. your father) doesn’t think he’s sketchy.
(Well, honestly your father still may think he’s sketchy after all that anyways. But that’ll be my problem to get over, not yours or his.) 

Is kind 
so you are valued and treated well 
so that your worth is never in doubt.

is responsible 
so you can trust and respect him.

is able to apologize and laugh at himself 
so you can too and continue to let go of perfectionism and control.

is courageous and mature enough to exhort and encourage you 
so you don’t hold all the accountability and responsibility of truth speaking and end up being another parent to him but have a mutually edifying relationship.

is gracious 
so you can make mistakes and be yourself around him.

is pursuing purity and protects yours 
so you can be protected from 
being defiled or shamed in this area.

lives with purpose and knows who he is or lives with a sense of discovery and desires growth so you are free to pursue yours and expressing who you are doesn’t intimidate him or make him feel insecure.

shows an interest in your family 
so you don’t feel isolated or your loyalty doesn’t feel divided and your parents (father) can trust/like him.

is free from addiction 
so you don’t get sucked into its destructiveness.

is generous, not selfish 
so you sense he loves and cares for you, not just himself.

This list isn’t meant to be burdensome or some impossible standard. 
Relationships are hard enough. 
I hope it’s actually freeing in that it helps you to find someone who can pull his weight and share the burden as well as the joy and peace of a healthy relationship. There might be many boys who find this list unrealistic but I am still optimistic that there are young men who might rise the challenge of it, who aspire to be men of character and not shy away from it.
I believe it might benefit them too in their desire to be the man God wants them to be.
Thank you for listening to my heart for you. Remember to trust and seek God and wise counsel to pursue God’s best for you. Please always feel free, as awkward as it might be, to come and talk with me about relationships and what is going on in you.
Love,
Daddy 

The B word

It’s that time of year when the B word starts rearing its head,
Bored
 
The kids know that the B word is not allowed, nothing will make their parents breathe fire and go insane like the B word.

If you are fighting boredom
Clean your room.
If you’ve done that, clean the house.
If you’ve done that, clean somebody else’s house.

Find work
If you can’t find work, volunteer.
Find something new to learn.
Or a good book to read.

Find your purpose, mission, passion.
If you’ve found that, do what you do better and do it with others.
If you haven’t, find a mentor or try something new.
(If you can’t find something new to try, clean your room again)
If you can’t find a mentor, find someone to mentor.
If you can’t find someone to mentor, find someone to serve.

Find God.
If you’ve done that, pursue Him, go deeper.
If you’ve done that, tell someone else how they can too.
Create something.
If you’ve done that, share it, give it away.
If it’s not awesome, find a way to make it better.

Pray.
If you’ve done that and are still bored, listen better. 
Ask God, what does He want you to do. 
I don’t know what that is, but I am pretty sure He doesn’t want you to be bored. 

(If you can do one or two of those things and still say you’re bored come over to my house and I will throat punch you. Just kidding. Kind of.)

If you can honestly say you’ve done all that and you are still bored, then help someone else do those things.
If you can do all that and still are bored, maybe you aren’t bored, maybe you’re burnt out. 

I hope if you’ve read this that you realize life with God and others is too awesome to be bored.

Don’t be bored.
Be awesome.
Be responsible.
Be generous.
Have a great summer.

First post on being and becoming a parent

Parenting: growing into the world’s biggest feet

awkward at first

it gets easier if you don’t wreck yourselves

in the falling down parts

Amazing really, in the other parts of life we learn, work and serve, demonstrate things like dependability, loyalty, integrity and character and then we are given more responsibility.

With parenting, you’re given this huge responsibility from the start!

It’s not earned.

It’s this amazing gift, to be responsible for another living breathing human being.

We start with the gift and we grow into the role.

And depending on how we’ve grown up how ready and confident we are to fill that role varies, greatly.

As big a job as it is, I think understanding it just is – that it’s not something to be earned or something that can be taken away – can take away a lot of the pressure and stress, especially for young parents.

You don’t have to be perfect to become Mom.

You don’t have to fight your way to become Dad.

You just are.

You’ll have to fight to stay connected and be awesome for sure.

But there’s always time for stress later.

For starters, and on some later days in the adventures and journey, it’s enough to just know that it’s both

who you are becoming

and who you are.

The same gift, the same grace, at the start is still available and true for every day thereafter.