A Parenting Book Your Husband Would Read

I’ve written a parenting book.  It’s at the rough first draft stage.  I don’t even have a title yet but I think the sub-title might be “A Parenting Book Your Husband Would Read.” It’s a mixed martial art and Brazilian jiu-jitsu approach to parenting, on surviving and winning the battles of parenting.

It started out as a silly fun idea, a book to give to my friends at the gym.  I thought it might be 50-60 pages.  But as I wrote I became more serious about truly being helpful and it ended up being over 180 pages and 96K words!  I’m getting it ready to send to an editor.  Here’s something I shared with my Facebook friends as I neared the end of writing:

Writing self-help sounds cliché and people won’t trust you if you aren’t willing to share your stories.
I’m trying to finish my last two days of writing strong when I realized this.
This book on parenting is actually a book on overcoming fear.
And yesterday as I tried to pour out my best words and figure out what’s the best thing I could write to encourage you in your battles, I circled back to best part of our story: my incredible wife, my amazing kids and our faith. And I broke down driving home grateful for them and for God’s love and grace.
See, my biggest battles are not out in the world, at work, online, in leadership – my biggest battles with fear and insecurity have been within the walls of our home and in my own head and heart.
And it’s been amazing to look back at what our family has been through and look ahead with clearer eyes and a braver heart.
I want the same for you guys.
So, I’m battling guys, to keep up the pace and get this book to you. Tomorrow I’ll write my last entry and then spend the next 4-6 weeks prepping to send to editor.

In the meantime, don’t give up.
Don’t give up on your marriage.
Don’t give up on your dreams.
Don’t give up on yourself.
Don’t give up on your kids.
With God, all things are possible.

Over the course of daily writing over two months I got into the habit of writing so I wrote this morning too.

An undealt with past affects your children’s future because your past impacts what you trust,
what you fear,
how you cope
and what you believe about yourself, life and others.
You choose how to respond to your past,
your kids didn’t.

You need to be brave and face your past because our kids won’t just end up battling their fears,
they end up fighting ours too.

What are the battles you’re facing as a parent these days?

I hope my book will help you.

If you’d like updates on the book and the blog, I invite you to subscribe by entering below.

On asking God: What should I do?

I went on a leadership retreat for our church last month. We spent a lot of time talking about discipleship, being a disciple a Jesus. And exploring what that means, what it looks like for our church this next year.
We didn’t want to come up with another program, something to make us busier with religious activity.

One thing that I’m always concerned about how to encourage people to live out their faith without it only being motivated by a sense of duty. And what I realized today was letting go of doing something out of duty doesn’t mean giving up something that’s hard to just do what comes naturally or what is easy.

Sometimes letting go of doing things out of a sense of duty is extremely scary.
Doing things out duty is actually kind of easy, everything is spelled out for you.
Listening for what God is leading you in means defending something mystical. Something that seems foolish. Something you can’t quantify or put on paper.

You have to risk disapproval.When you stop and listen and replace the question “What should I do?” with “What do I sense God saying to me? What is God calling me to do?”, you have to wait on God.

You have to slow down.
You have to be patient.
You have to give up controlling others because the answer isn’t one size fits all.
You risk being different, stepping out of line.
You risk being seen for who you are, you risk exposing the passions and longings of your heart.

You will seem foolish, people will misunderstand and assume things about you.
They’ll think you are being judgmental and self-righteous and impractical.
They may even try to put you back in your place.
(All this and this isn’t even addressing your own negative self-talk or self-limiting beliefs!)

Sometimes we are so afraid to ask “What do I *want* to do?” or believe that what we should do is always different than what we want to do. I think the better  question is “Who does God want me to be?” not “What does He want me to do?” but “What life does He want me to live?”

The cool thing is, there is a hard, lonely and scary way ahead that if you choose it, could lead to life instead of boredom and death.

What Good Will It Do?

This week has been an eventful one for our nation.  A new president was inaugurated and celebrated or protested on social media or by participating in marches and events.

There’s a question that gets raised in different ways but you’ll see it:

“What good does it do?”

Sometimes it’s raised as a critique, the implied answer or point being made that it doesn’t.  Sometimes it’s asked honestly, seeking understanding; maybe even by the person attempting the action.

Will it do any good?  Does it make any difference?  Why do it?”

The question reminded me of two quotes.

“Do for one what you you wish you could do for everyone.” – Andy Stanley

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Ghandi

We can only control what we can control. And we can only offer small, humble offerings to others into this world. We may not be able to help hundreds or thousands of people. But we can join with hundreds and thousands.  We can choose to give our all and give a hundred percent to the person right in front of us.

Regardless of the outcome.

What good does it do? We don’t have to wait to see the outcome to answer the question for ourselves.  I believe the good that is done is done regardless of what follows because no act of love or courage is wasted. The act of choosing is what makes it worth it. We grow by choosing. Even though we don’t see the fruit of the choice that we make. It’s just like loving our kids, it’s worth it. It can help to be hopeful about the good it could do, what might result.  But in the long run how they respond and what results isn’t really entirely up to us.  What matters is that we chose love.  That we don’t stay stuck or powerless or victimimized or silent. 

This morning I remembered the story of the young man who came upon an older man throwing starfish back into the ocean.  He asked what difference does it make, there so many. And the elderly man replied, “It made a difference to that one.

That’s what I do with counseling. As I was driving into the office, I thought,
“Oh, today I’m going to drive in and throw some starfish back into the ocean.”

But then I realized.  My clients aren’t starfish.  I’m not saving them.

The clients that I see are also on the shore line and I join them there. The shoreline between the crashing raging ocean their past and the shoreline of their present and future. And they can’t move away from their past, they feel stuck on this shoreline.

They feel bog down by their pain, by their choices. By what has happened to them. And this shoreline is littered with their pain and their wounds.

They’re faced with the questions:  

Is it worth it?

Why do I have to face all this? 

Why do I have to go there?

What good will it do?

And just like the original story, it might not make the difference for everything but in that moment, for today, it’ll make a difference for that one, for that hurt, for that wound, that memory.  It’s not everything, but it’s a worthwhile start.  You won’t know where it will lead, until you’re brave enough to start. 

If you don’t know where to start, we can start with the one that you’re holding, right now, in your hand. 

We can begin there.

When You Have to Change On Your Own

 

Getting healthy is threatening to others. The sabotage and criticism won’t just come from “haters”, it could come from those closest to you.

Carl Rogers once said this about change:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

There’s another paradox to deal with when it comes to change:

Sometimes you can’t do it alone and sometimes you have to.

I was shoveling snow in the driveway this sunny winter morning and I was reflecting on the phrase “The people that love you the most…”

The people who love you most will understand.

The people who love you most have your back.

The idea being that the people that love you most will support you, no matter what. They will be there for you. They’ll cheer you on. They will have your best interest in mind. They’ll be so happy for you.

The fact of the matter is that the people who love you the most often don’t want you to change. And they won’t always support your change and growth. Sometimes they’ll even sabotage your efforts to change.

You’ll see this when someone who announces that they are signing up for the gym and wanting to lose weight and their friends, spouse or their kids say “Yeah! That’s great!” And then turn around and bring home a cheesecake for them to eat. You’ll see this with a couple where the husband says he will do anything and everything to save their marriage or be a better parent but won’t take the time to go to counseling or attend the parenting workshop together.

Why is that?

See, the thing is the people who love you the most sometimes love the current version of you. They’re comfortable with the way you are. It’s familiar. You’ve found a homeostasis, a rhythm, and way of life, a pattern or a cycle that works for them and has worked for you. On some level. Even if it’s not healthy. The status quo is the best kind of security blanket; it is especially warm and fuzzy because you made it yourself.

Whether it’s intentional or not, they’ve played a part in who and where you are today. They’ve done that by either colluding with you and the way you are by allowing what’s gotten you where you are. Or by not confronting you, holding you accountable or shielding you from consequences of your behavior.

Or maybe they’ve tried confronting you and giving you feedback and they’re tired. And now that you want to change, they are frustrated. They don’t trust you, they’ve heard it all before. It may even bring up some bitterness or anger they haven’t wanted to feel.

They may love you but they may not actually believe in you. That could mean they don’t believe in your potential or your ability to change and be something other than what you are. Or that could mean they don’t believe your word. Maybe they’ve heard you talk and think about making changes and they’ll believe it when they see it. In the meantime, they’re not going to get excited or be hopeful; they’ve been disappointed or burned too many times. If that’s the case you can’t really hold it against them that they’re not super excited that you’re wanting to get healthy.

There’s another dynamic in place that can sabotage change: even if you don’t say anything, those who love you the most, those who are closest to you, may feel the pressure to change. Even if you say they don’t need to change or even want them to change, you will inevitably influence them toward change.

Getting healthier involves changing:

the rhythm of your life,
the habits you make
the things that you sacrifice for
your priorities
the way you spend your time
the way you spend your energy
the way you spend your money
That’s going to have a direct impact on them, depending on how close they are to you. While you would hope that they would be happy for you, if you start to change and get healthy, it can highlight their insecurities or areas in their life where they may need to change or could change and get healthier.

And people can get defensive about that. Because change is scary.

What if you change? What if you change the way you see yourself?

Changing what you believe and see in yourself can be a threat to those who love you because if you see yourself in a different way then maybe you’ll see them in a different way. And maybe you won’t like what you see. Maybe you’ll start to believe that they’re not good enough. There’s something wrong in the relationship. When you start to get healthier, it can be empowering. You can start to shed limitations – external and internal – and start to dream and open up your mind to new possibilities. For those close to you, they may not like the new directions you want to go. Or they may like the direction but they may feel like they aren’t ready to go there with you.

What if you change how you see me?  What if you don’t like what you see? Will you want me anymore? 

No one likes to feel like they’re not good enough. And no one likes to be left behind.

The battle to lose weight and go to the gym is not so simple. When you consider the ones who love you the most.

You’ll see three types of reactions from people when you want to change.

  1. support
  2. some people try to talk you out of it
  3. silence
    You’ll see this when you want to make improvements to your physical health when you want to make mental health or relationship changes. Or changes with your spiritual growth.

So don’t be surprised. Don’t be discouraged. And don’t let criticism, sabotage or lack of support deter you. Stick to the changes on the growth that you want, whether that’s eating healthy, getting active, going to counseling or going back to church.

Change can be lonely. You can’t do it because it feels good and you can’t do it for affirmation from other people. Not only will it not feel good, you may even feel worse. You may feel physically sore and achy, your ego may take a beating and you may even feel isolation and anxiety as you make changes in the ways you relate to others. You may even choose to spend less time with friends who don’t support the changes you are making.

This past week I talked with a couple. The husband needed to eat healthily and get more exercise. And he blamed his wife for not being able to do either. Sure, it would be nice if his wife went to the mall with him so he could walk or cook different meals. But she doesn’t need to change in order for him to change and get healthier.

If you want to change, grow, get healthier – you have to do that for yourself. You have to take responsibility and you can’t blame other people for your lack of progress or lack of change. Yes, one of the reasons you may want to get healthier is so you can be there for your family, to see your children get married or meet your grandchildren. But that can’t be the primary reason or only reason.

We care for what we value. If you start without considering your worth and why doing the work of growth and change is worthwhile, you won’t last long.

When it comes to change often the people you need to make the change aren’t the ones who love you the most, they are simply the ones who can and will help you.

Three things that can help if you notice that those close to you are unsupportive or sabotaging your efforts to change.

1) Talk to them about it. Check whether or not this is going on. Don’t assume what you’re experiencing is them sabotaging you, do it in a soft way not making a final judgment. Communicate you are trying to understand and give them a chance to think or talk about it. They may not even be aware that they’re doing what they’re doing.

2) Besides talking to them about it, invite them to make changes too. Understand that if you’re already taking action on changes, you might be several steps ahead of them in the process. Be patient. If you have talked about change and not followed through in the past, own up to that and apologize. Validate that their skepticism is legit.

3) Honor their autonomy and respect their differences. They don’t have to change at the same pace. And they don’t have to change in the same way. Invite them in and support what they would like to change. There may be things that you each need to work on separately.

If you listen well, make the invitation openly and genuinely (instead of manipulating or controlling them) you will greatly improve your chances of being able to brainstorm, problem solve and come to agreements and action plans about things that you can work on together.

If they decline the invitation to make changes, then you’ll know that you gave it a good shot and you’re still free and responsible for the changes that you want to make. You can’t blame them or hold them responsible for what you need or want to do.

One key thing to remember, just because they’re not ready now doesn’t mean they won’t be open to it in the future. So handle that conversation well and they might leave the door open to talk about it again in the future. It might help to even ask them if it’s okay if you check in with them about it in a month or two.

If you are making changes or getting to ready to make changes this year, I want to encourage you to keep going.  Stay tuned for more blogs on habit change and sticking to your goals.

 

Calling All Prodigals

perfect

God doesn’t just have a heart for prodigal sons and daughters.
He waits for prodigal parents and spouses too.

You can be going a million miles an hour and feel like you’re not going anywhere.
You can be surrounded by family and feel alone, a million miles away.
You can have a place of your own and not feel at home.

The saying goes: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Sometimes that provided strength is simply the ability to stop and ask for help.
Or the strength to look around and realize how far you’ve drifted and turn towards home.

We are all sons and daughters and dearly loved.

National Suicide Prevention Month 2016

SuicidePrevention-Teaser

Today is the start of National Suicide Prevention Month.
I recently read about a mom who lost her 14 yr old son to suicide then her 18 yr old son a week after the memorial.
This week I spoke with a parent who was still grieving losing their adult child, a few days before they had a scheduled appointment with a counselor.
Have you lost a friend or family member to suicide?
I’m praying for you today.

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention site and the American Association of Suicidology sites are also helpful.

The problem can seem overwhelming but seemingly small acts of kindness, compassion, just listening and being there for others can make a huge, life-saving difference.
Someone you know or cross paths with could be struggling with depression and contemplating suicide.
If you are hurting and struggling, one thing that makes any suffering worse is suffering alone.
Don’t suffer any longer or more than you have to. Reach out and get some help, tell someone what is going on inside.
If you don’t have someone or know who tell, feel free to message me. I’d be happy to help and help figure out what to do next.

Eight Practices To Let Go Of Perfectionism in Parenting Part 1

Eight Practices to Let go of

Eight Practices to Let Go of Perfectionism in Parenting

Here’s a recording of a Periscope video I did last year on perfectionism in parenting and an edited transcript below.

Today’s blog will be the first four practices.  The next blog will be on the second half and include an additional practice I forgot to include that my son recommended to me.

Here’s three signs that you might have an issue with perfectionism in parenting I didn’t included in the video:  feeling Stressed out, Shouting a lot and struggling with Shaming your kids or feeling Shamed.  If you feel that way or notice this going on, if you notice decreased joy in your role and work as a parent, if you feel decreased closeness with your kids even if you spend a lot of time with them or if you talk a lot with them but don’t feel connected at a heart-level, I hope watching this video or reading this blog will help you and your family.

Transcript:

This is something I work on with a lot of adults. I see the effects of their parents’ perfectionism, their stress and anxiety, on them. I hesitate to talk about this a little because I don’t want to come across as shaming parents. Because that’s one thing about perfectionism: shame feeds it and it doesn’t help to feel bad. Feeling bad about your parenting doesn’t help, long-term that doesn’t sustain change. Feeling bad about who you are and how you’re doing as Mom or Dad just feeds that vicious cycle.

At the same time, I do want to encourage parents to be aware of how protectionism affects their kids because that’s one of the ways that perfectionism is harmful to kids and families is that it makes parents really self-focused and selfish.

My kids are 19, 16 and 12 (now) – girl, boy, girl – and this topic, this issue of perfectionism and performance-based love and acceptance is something kind of near and dear to my heart because I just want my kids to experience grace and unconditional love. But it’s so tough and we can we can slip and get sucked into focusing on behavior, focusing on how we look outwardly to other people to other families and get caught in comparison and jealousy and things like that.

So, a little bit about my family for some context then we’re going to talk about practical ways to let go of perfectionism. One of the key ways that this is a challenge and difficult – or has been in the past – for our family, is that each of my kids have been involved in musical theater and music and performance so we’ve had lots of talks about “How do you balance working hard, to do your best, to do things with excellence to do quality work and not get sucked into your self-worth and your approval and your sense of yourself being based on what you do?”

I’ve always tried to affirm and notice the kids for who they are regardless of how well they do with auditions or school work, test results in projects to turn in things like that. But it’s tough, I got to admit, I can slip it into that myself and brag and boast about when they do well.  And with social media that’s a challenge that I see and I hear folks talk about a lot in the counseling office about feeling discouraged and anxious, less than, not good enough, because they see how well other people are doing, how well other families are doing, how well-behaved other kids are in the grocery store or at church and they start feeling discouraged and feeling like they’re failing as a parent.  So here are eight practices, I hope will be encouraging to you.

Practice #1: Self-awareness. To replace performance and perfectionism and getting caught in that trap, the first practice is self-awareness and identifying what’s driving any type of perfectionism, procrastination, avoidance or controlling behavior as Mom or Dad.

For me, one of the things is insecurity. Honestly, when my kids are doing well that’s a boost, that makes me feel good. And we want to be proud of our kids but I notice – self-awareness – that I know I’m getting off track and getting unhealthy when how well they’re doing…I’m more concerned about how I feel, how that makes me feel better, than how they feel and how that’s growing them and how that’s helping them gain some self-confidence. And I’m losing track of what their experiences, and what they’re going through, are teaching them about life and character and forming them into the people that I hope that they will be. So self-awareness, practicing self-awareness about where you’re at with this, can be really helpful.

Practice #2 is Patience: the other thing that can help with parenting and communication is being patient with your kids.  You might have heard the phrase “tiger mom”, it’s from a book written by a mom who really drove her kids down in California. (I didn’t read the book, I’ve read some articles and interviews with her.) There can be a culture of pushing kids academically with music, with extracurricular activities, with the kind of the goal of making it in the ultra-competitive college application process and hoping that they stand out.

The desire as parents for our kids to be successful and be able to graduate high school and get a job and take care of themselves – that, that’s legit – but it really helps to get some perspective and to be patient with their growth, and patient with their maturity level. Allow them to be kids. Stretching them but not pushing them to the breaking point and causing lots of stress and anxiety. I talk with a lot of single adults who are still struggling to find their way they don’t have it figured out and their parents really pushed them.

Having your kids just follow your agenda and expectations doesn’t set them up for success because then they don’t have the ability to problem-solve and discern who they really are and what they end up doing, or pursuing, doesn’t end up being a good fit for who they are, the way of doing things, their personality, their strengths, their temperament. That can be really confusing and disillusioning: when you pursue a college degree, a career path, and get the message that “this is going to make you happy and this is going to make you successful” and you’re just miserable.

Practice #3 is practicing Presence.  This is a whole other topic (blog), but just listening well, spending time with your kids to hear how they’re doing with school how they’re doing with relationships, how they’re doing personally is practicing presence. Listening for how they’re feeling and viewing themselves, what their self-image is, what the messages that they’re telling themselves are, can be really helpful.  But that means spending less time on TV. That might mean spending less time on social media or even Periscope. Setting healthy limits so that you can spend time because those conversations come in the middle of spending time, in the middle of the rhythms of the day and rhythm of the week.

Practice #4: Praise and Positivitity. Another practice is praise and positivity.  And that can be with yourself.  Our kids observe and know the things that we really believe based on the things that stress us out and make us fearful and anxious.  They sniff out the hypocrisy in the things we really value. For example, if we are really critical and negative of other people, other families, then they pick up on “That’s not OK.” and “This is what Mom and Dad are expecting and if I don’t want to be criticized if, I don’t want mom or dad to think poorly of me, then I’d better not look like or act like that person.” And if we speak critically or negatively of other families that can be damaging because they likely pick up on where we’re judgmental and that makes them at risk to be perfectionistic and inauthentic with other people.

So work on your issues.  Don’t pass on your negativity.  Don’t pass on your anxiety.

I’ll post the next four practices is part two of this blog.

If you struggle with perfectionism as a parent or with the affects of a parent’s perfectionism, what do you think of these practices so far?

How might you incorporate these practices in your life this month?

One thing I love about reading and writing

One thing I love about reading and writing is that reading, or crafting, one exquisite sentence can make your whole day. It's like returning home and going on a grand adventure all at once. (1)Hi guys, it’s day 5 Mental Health Awareness and I’m falling behind in my goal to blog twenty times this month (been watching the Blazers vs. Golden State a few evenings).

I’m working on a blog (or two) on Eight Practices to Let Go of Perfectionism in Parenting but in the meantime here’s a quick thought on reading and writing I had driving home today.

It’s very much like counseling: finding yourself and discovering something new, at the same time.

One of my favorite parts of working with clients is when they say something true about themselves that they hadn’t realized or when they say it in a way that makes it clear that they aren’t just saying it with their head but they are believing it in a new way or really believing, deep down inside, for the first time.

Are you a writer?  What are you writing about these days?

What are you reading?  Do you have a favorite sentence you’ve read recently?

#ForTheLoveOfOtis

fortheloveofotis

This is Mental Health Awareness Month.

I had started out last weekend with the grand idea of blogging every day this month to raise awareness, to inspire and encourage others.  But Sunday was my baby girl’s 12th birthday and we got pretty busy with church and celebrating her.  It was a lot of fun and I am so happy for who she is and who is becoming.

This morning I thought of writing again, about depression, anxiety, broken marriages, grief, hopelessness, addiction, bullying, trauma, violence, stress, disconnection, pain, porn, entitlement, failure…all the problems I hear about, every day and I just got overwhelmed.  I questioned whether I could say anything, write anything, that would make a dent in the darkness.  That would make a difference to anyone.

I got discouraged at all the awful things I’ve seen recently in the news and on social media.

But then I saw this Facebook Event: #ForTheLoveOfOtis

Here’s what #ForTheLoveOfOtis is about:

In ten days (on May 8th, which is also Mother’s Day) will mark the occasion of what should have been Otis’ second birthday. For weeks Otis’ family have been trying to figure out what they can do that would mean enough – something that would somehow capture the depth of they love for Otis…something that would buoy their spirits just enough to get them through this upcoming impossible day.

They cannot do it alone. We live in a beautiful world where using social media allows us to spread the word so quickly and easily. Their wish is: “To invite you, and everyone you know, and the whole entire world, to join us in remembering beautiful Otis and honoring his life through a generous act #fortheloveofotis.”

Here’s how it works: “Anytime from May Day (May 1st – a traditional day to leave flowers on someone’s doorstep) to May 8th (Otis’ birthday and Mother’s Day), would you do some small kindness for a stranger, or an anonymous kindness for someone you know, and share it via Facebook, Instagram or Twitter #fortheloveofotis? Would you consider sharing this, and asking for a wave of love and generosity to be released on behalf of our boy?”

I wanted to write some amazing essay on grief and hope and love but if you click on the event and read what is happening so far this week that would say so much more than I could.

Social media has the power to expose us to the worst of humanity but it also has the power to remind us of the good, to renew our hope, to help us grief, to help us make an impact and love one another.

I haven’t met Sarah in person yet.  She’s a fellow therapist her in town and we’ve connected over the past year or so on FB through mutual friends.  I’ve enjoyed seeing her posts of her beautiful family.  Otis was one of the world’s most beautiful boys – just look at his face, those eyes!  I get teary almost every time I see his face now.  I’ve been so inspired and awed by Sarah’s posts on how life and grief have been since losing him.  And also amazed at seeing the power of the support and love from her friends.  She’s an amazing lady. And this is such an amazing way to remember and honor him.

Otis

Even though you don’t know the Cases, I hope you’ll join them in honoring Otis with some small kindness for a stranger, or an anonymous kindness for someone you know, and share it via Facebook, Instagram or Twitter #fortheloveofotis(I’ve chosen to donate to GriefShare.org and The Dougy Center – two organizations that help families with grief – in Otis’ name)
Maybe it would be a tribute to a mother in your life or a way to support a family who’s had similar loss.

Or just away to bless a stranger and make this world a better place this week.

And if you pray, could you join me in praying for the Cases and Sarah this week on Mother’s Day?

sarahotis

 

 

Fighting FOMO

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.It’s Day Three of the Blog Like A Pro Challenge.

Today for Hump Day, I’m blogging about two things: Writing and the Fear of Missing Out.

Today’s challenge is tough for me because I don’t write to be controversial or take a stand or to provoke debate.

But I do have a lot of things I am passionate about. And I’ve been thinking about so many different things the past few days.

There’s actually quite a few things I fight for.   These days it’s fear and stress, in myself and others.

I’m also dealing with what Brene Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover”, a pretty mean one after the last two days of blogging. (If you’re one of my new blogging friends maybe you relate?)

Before I jump into the Fear Of Missing Out, I want to share something from Day One’s blogging experience.

I broke through my Resistance and wrote a “manifesto” of sorts for the first day’s challenge.
I didn’t think it was awesome but was happy to start writing again after several months and put words out there again.  And I was pleasantly surprised to write more than 500 words.  It was actually kind of easy.

I thought: “I’ll just start writing and keep writing as if I stop writing I’ll never be able to start again.” And I started second guessing what I wrote and how it could be better and there’s so much more to stay.

And it hit me, as I ruminated past my bedtime:

“This is more Fear, more Resistance and Scarcity.  It’s so ingrained in me to motivate myself this way.”

It reminded me of the story of the Israelites in the wilderness receiving manna from heaven daily and trying to hoard it.

My mind stopped racing and I was able to let go with this thought:

“Today’s Word, today’s words are enough. There’s more to say tomorrow.  Today’s words are enough.”

§§§

Lately, I’ve been encouraging my overwhelmed patients to fight for permission to be valuable in their own life.  To take care of themselves.  So many of the people, most of them moms, I talk to during the week are so busy, so focused on the needs of others, their responsibilities and roles, that put themselves last on their to-do list.  Some of them aren’t even on their to-list at all.  And their physical and emotional lives suffer.

We are sick.  Our country, our homes are soul sick.

My daughter taught me about FOMO recently, the Fear of Missing Out.  It’s something that affects her off at college.  There’s a constant tension she feels between getting her studies done and participating in fun campus activities. And she’s not the only one.

FOMO can hit young kids when the latest version of Minecraft comes out.
It plays out on our smartphones and tablets and on social media. In our jam packed calendars.  It can even play out in our church activities and attendance; we can get caught up in busyness of going to events and meetings and studies, coffee, prayer meetings and worship services and appointments because we fear missing out on experiencing God in a new and exciting way.

If you’re like me it is a big part of why my nightstand is covered with a dozen unfinished books.

Even in this week’s Blog Like A Pro Challenge, FOMO is rearing it’s head. (Ugh!  I don’t have my “lead magnet” ready.  I’m not going to win the prize!)

It’s interesting how the Fear Of Missing Out drives us to miss out on what’s most important.
Being present
Our kids growing up
Our calling
Intimacy with our spouse
Time with God
Prayer and mindfulness
Contentment and peace

Today’s blog challenge is to pick a fight.

Guys, we’re losing our lives to our screens.

Every other day in coaching or counseling with patients, social media and Facebook come into the conversation and not for a positive reason.

There will be a day when folks that go to counseling will spend a good portion of it talking about how their parents were absent from them because of social media and smartphones .

We may already be there.

Certainly in 10 to 15 years we will have a generation of parents who have spent their entire conscious lives on smartphones and tablets.

The sad thing is kids won’t sit their parents down to have an intervention about their addiction because they’ll just turn to their own tablets and smartphones.

This is the fight I’m picking and encouraging you to fight.
Fight for your soul.
Fight for deep connection with your family.
Fight distraction.
Fight addiction.
Fight comparison and the voices of shame.
Fight to stop fighting and striving and consuming.
Fight to just rest, trust and just be.

You.
Your life.
The simple gifts God gives, are enough.
Because He has made it so.
And said that it is good.

§§§

See, when I started thinking about this my first “advice” was to replace the Fear of Missing Out on social media and concerts and going out with the Fear of Missing Out on your kids, on your life.

But this is was just like the first part of this blog, trying to change negative behavior with another negative.

The solution to FOMO is just like “Today’s words are enough”, it’s contentment and gratitude, that the present moments, the present company, our present reality is enough.

PS.  I was home sick today.  Thinking about this blog and came across this TED talk My year of saying yes to everything | Shonda Rhimes.

She is a mom who is winning the fight against FOMO.

It is amazing and I think may be my new favorite TED talk.

I hope it encourages you.