When’s the right time to deal with porn?

I’ll deal with it when
…I’m dating.
…we’re engaged.
…we’re married.
…it hurts her.
…I get caught.
…we have kids.
… I have a girl.
… the kids are old enough to know.
… my son starts struggling too.

I’d deal with it if
…she leaves me.
…it affects my work, my ministry.
…it gets as bad as *that* dude.
…it wasn’t so hard.
…it hadn’t been a problem for so many years.
…it wasn’t so embarrassing.
…I wasn’t so broken.
…I wasn’t alone.
…God would help me.
…there was a God.

I’ll deal with it when life – these lies – becomes unmanageable.

10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use

I wrote this list of reactions 10 reactions people have to getting caught in their porn use.
It struck me how similar it is to getting caught in an affair.

I’ve added a little more detail than the initial list I posted then.

Andee Zomerman saw this when I posted it on Facebook and she invited me on her local radio show The Rose City Forum to talk more about the list and the problem of porn. You can listen to the podcast here. I really appreciate Andee’s willingness to increase awareness of the problem on her show. (If you listen, you’ll see talking “about” porn and answering questions is outside my comfort zone. I’m much more comfortable asking the questions and listening in sessions.)

1) Lie – when porn use first comes to light, what’s you see is usually just the tip of the iceberg. And anyone cheating or using porn has been lying to you and themselves for awhile usually.  Porn is just a symptom, dealing with the problem is not just about stopping the behavior but getting the many factors that feed it. 

 

2) Minimize – the person caught will usually just admit to what they can’t deny, cover up or explain away. They’ll only fess up to what you have the the evidence on. And even with evidence, they may try to make you crazy and question your ability to see the evidence for what it is. They will also minimize or excuse and rationalize their behavior.  They will also try to minimize the damage it has done to themselves and those around them. 

3) Get angry, attack back – when backed into a corner and with the evidence mounting they may try to attack you, throw you off with their anger and cross-complaining.  If you tend to avoid conflict, they may try to use anger and intimidation to scare you and get you to back off and back down. Sometimes, the anger stems from fear. Fear of being found out, from all the truth of what they’ve worked so hard to hide and manage coming out. Fear of hurting you. Fear of what you will do. Fear of disappointing you. Fear of seeing the pain in your eyes. Fear of what they’ve been afraid of, for so long, coming true. Fear of being rejected and alone. So, sometimes that anger, that comes out, is really anger at themself for what they’ve done to the one they love.

4) Get depressed – this may be genuine but often more in a shame-based manipulative way to get you to not be hard on them and leave them alone.  This can look like playing a victim. And don’t get me wrong, very often those trapped in porn are in a very real and significant ways victims. Thing is, it is extremely difficult (maybe impossible, at first) to hold both the role of having healthy boundaries and being angry enough to confront them with the truth and break through the denial and lies, and the role of the empathetic, understanding supportive spouse, at the same time. That is why when porn use comes out it relationship, it can be helpful to not only have couples counseling but individual counseling support for the roller coaster of emotions that come out.

5) Blame – similar to getting angry but worth a separate note. Blame is making you the reason for their behavior. How what you do and say, or don’t do and say caused them to cheat or to view porn.  “If you were more interested in sex. If you weren’t so unavailable. If you hadn’t gained so much weight. I wouldn’t be tempted to use porn.” 

6) Get worse – this one is a big one, I’ve heard this a lot. Telling the truth is risky, often confronting someone about an affair or porn the offended person is afraid of the other person’s behavior getting worse. They are worried if they set boundaries, like a temporary separation, their spouse or partner will cheat more, get more self-destructive. If they set boundaries about intimacy, they will escalate and instead of viewing porn they will start going to strip clubs, or it’ll give them more of reason to turn to the other person for solace and intimacy or worse. And, the thing is, it’s true, they may. But it if they chose to make things worse instead of better it reveals a lot about their heart, commitment and willingness to change.

7) Leave, give up – similar to 6. Another fear of confrontation is that the person caught will just not want to make the effort to change and leave the marriage or relationship. Sometimes the pain of being alone seems worse than the pain of being cheated on.  After years of not being unsuccessful at breaking free from porn, it is easy to feel hopeless to change. Sometimes the pain and devestation that has occurred is overwhelming, instead of facing it and taking responsibility, running away seems like a much easier choice. 

8) Scramble to “get better” – sometimes someone gets caught and it is a bit of a wake up call. Thing is, just focusing on behavior, getting filters, Open DNS, accountability software, etc. doesn’t address the root issues. Patrick Carnes describes this as a first order change. Changing because they “should” or “have to”. These can be good, wise first steps but long-term recovery requires more.

9) Confess – disclosure is a start, taking responsibility, telling the truth and the whole truth, without distortion and minimization. But confession is not enough. Confession without action, a plan, support and accountability can just perpetuate the problem, repeat the cycle of best intentions, false starts, broken promises and failure.

10) Repent – starting recovery. This is moving from 1st order change to more internalized motivations for change, working on changing on the inside as well as the outside. Actions speak louder than words in restoring trust and relationship.

Listening back to the podcast and re-reading this list I realized this can come across as harsh, not very accepting or compassionate towards folks struggling with porn.  I have lots of empathy for those caught. I understand. They are who have spent most of the past 12 years sitting with and counseling. I will write another blog for resources for recovery soon.

What would you add to the list?

How does it strike you?

 

 

First post on porn and social media

The first time I heard about this thing called “MySpace” was about 12 years ago.
It was when I first learned about social media.
(I also learned about twitter and podcasts from patients)

A client told me about MySpace being this site where bands write info about themselves, post music and interact with fans.
He was also constantly fighting his girlfriend about being on it. He was jealous of the time and jealous of the relationships she was building. She kept telling him he was being insecure, unreasonable and jealous; it was not a big deal.  But it was, to him. And therefore, them.

So, from the first time I heard about social media it’s been associated with the damage it can do on relationships.

These days social media comes up in most sessions counseling and coaching sessions.
We were even introduced to an online tool for promoting and supporting healthy lifestyles (nutrition, physical activity, stress management) that emphasizes social media at Kaiser today.

I’ll be writing a lot about porn and sexual addiction here on the blog but I’ll also be writing about social media and it’s impact on relationships, childhood development and our emotional and spiritual health.
The way porn and social media are used are just symptoms, symptoms of the way we live, the things we are living and longing for, individually and as a society.

One of the most destructive things that porn teaches is to comfort yourself
in isolation.
To cope stress and escape from reality instead of being connected, to hide.
I think one of the most dangerous things about FB, social media and our phones/tablets that maybe make it even more destructive individually and to us as families is it allows us to hide in plain sight.
And while we may feel some level of shame to want to hide our addictions to things that are more “unacceptable…” from our kids, it’s becoming increasingly common and acceptable to neglect our children, friends and present company to escape to our screens.
And I don’t think it’s fair for us as parents to bemoan our kids spending too much time on video games or online when whenever they happen to put down their controller or phone and look over at us we are not available or present for them.
We are teaching them what life is about and how to live it by our examples.
And toddlers are smart enough to see what we are giving our lives to.

Sometimes when I’m driving home from counseling I write things in response to what I’ve heard.
Things I wish I could say to my clients.
Here’s a spoken word I wrote one night awhile ago on the loneliness and disconnection social media is creating and reinforcing in marriages:

There was a time when
you couldn’t keep your eyes
or your hands off of me
Now your eyes are reserved for that screen
your hands are devoted to that iPad
These days the only time I hear you laugh or see you smile
is to stupid videos on youTube
You give your best to strangers on your screen
These days the only thing I hear from you is your irritation and annoyance.
You give me, contempt
Where did we go wrong?

I stopped reaching out to you.
You didn’t notice.
I can’t handle your silent rejection
I swear I get so angry I just want to take a hammer
to that damn tablet

But I don’t
Because deep down inside
I’m afraid
I’m afraid that you’d be even more angry
Even more angry at
losing it
than the fact that you are losing me
What did I do to deserve this disdain?
I want to say all this to you
but you can’t be bothered
so I retreat to my iPhone
And wonder

Do you feel the same?