When Marriage Counseling gets hard


Sometimes  a marriage needs healing

Sometimes  a marriage requires a resurrection

and how impossible that seems can be very discouraging and frustrating

“It gets worse before it gets better”

Couples don’t really realize how true this is until they start doing the work of marriage counseling. And a lot don’t continue because it’s so hard. 

That’s because feelings like hurt, betrayal, disappointment, that have been stuffed down for years, start to come out.

Even when there’s improvement, that can be a negative too, because then the regret and hurt of “Why couldn’t she or he have done this for me and our marriage before now? ” is just one more reminder of how broken and hopeless it all feels.

There’s a grief at suffering in marriage that comes when your spouse starts treating you the way the could and should have in the first place.

It’s like resetting an incorrectly healed bone break.  It has to be broken again and reset to heal properly.

Hardness, isolation, unhealthy patterns, addictions, bitterness, self-protection, lies – just a few things that have to be broken.

Sometimes false hopes and expectations have to die completely and the myth of certainty and control along with it in order for hope and trust and love – still tentative but now unfettered by the need for certainty – to come alive again. 

Often the worst/hardest part of all, is facing the fears that have been avoided, fears like abandonment, rejection, being unloved, unworthy, unattractive, failure, being alone. 

It feels like death because it is a death.

But there’s life after walking through this valley.


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Licensed professional counselor and health coach in Portland, OR Pre-marital and couples counseling. Individual counseling for anxiety, depression, insomnia, sleep disorders, sexual addiction, porn addiction, career, transitions, grief, burnout, personal growth.

2 thoughts on “When Marriage Counseling gets hard”

    1. Absolutely Sharon, I hope to write more soon about ways to make marriage and counseling better. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing, I really appreciate it!

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