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Sleep, Stress and Insomnia

Half of the week I talk with folks about their health as part of the health coaching team at Kaiser.

I talk with 20-30 people a week about weight management, exercise, stress and sleep.

Why does sleep come up so often? It’s often the missing piece in peoples’ plans for getting healthy and feeling better. One reason it’s so important is that it is often the source of the biggest barrier for people changing: energy and motivation.

“I want to eat healthy and meal plan. I want to go to the gym. But I’m tired.” So at the end of the day, instead of going out for a walk or working out, they watch TV. And eat.

One of the main things that you can do to improve your mental and physical health is improving your total sleep time and the quality of your sleep. And one of the key ways to do that is by limiting your smartphone, Netflix and social media activity as part of your bedtime routine.

Kicking your phone out of your room is one of the best things you can do for your self. It can even significantly improve your marriage and sexual intimacy.

Here’s a video I did on sleep, stress and insomnia four years ago. It’s representative of the coaching conversations I have with my patients. I touch on screentime then but it’s impact and significance has increased even more since then.

The National Sleep Foundation put out some guidelines for healthy sleep during Covid-19.

The CBT-I Coach app is a free app that I recommend to patients and counseling clients. I’ve had patients see and feel an improvement in their sleep as quickly as 2-4 weeks with this app, increasing their total sleep time as much as an hour each week with it.

If you want to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (especially if you are a therapist) CBTIWeb is a tremendous site that started offering their resources for free online, including worksheets and patient education materials and videos.

On Boundaries and Self-Care During The Holidays

I love this time of the year. This new video from Ben Rector captures the spirit of Thanksgiving so well.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. It can also be the most stressful time.
I did this Facebook Live a few years ago on boundaries and self-care.
It’s especially for moms, perfectionists, and introverts.

One of the things I shared was giving yourself permission to be different instead of doing things the way they’ve always been.
I also said, “The most important thing isn’t what you put on the table, it’s being together.”
It’s hard this year because we can’t get together in the same ways as we have in the past.
But I still hope these videos will encourage you and that you make the most of what the holidays will look like for you this year.

A reflection on the election

I wrote this reflection on the election four years ago this weekend. A lot has changed the past four years but how I feel this weekend hasn’t.


I had my ballot out today. I read and watched more news and articles than I have in a month.

What do I want to teach my kids? That even if you think it’s wrong, do something so you can win? Go along with the powerful or the bully, they’ll be in power over you anyway, so just accept it. Or do what you think is right, even if you know you will lose?

Stand up for your principles, you can never lose them unless you give them away. What some people don’t realize is that sometimes even if you win, you lose. And even if you lose, you win.

I know my friends will follow their earnest convictions and vote for one of the two front runners. That’s your right and I will respect that. And you. And I hope you’ll do the same for me, though we make a different choice.

After all this, if you come into our gym, I will roll and spar with you. If you come to my church, I’ll sit next to you and sing and pray with you. If it’s crowded at the coffee shop and you need a place to sit, I’ll offer it to you and probably ask you about your life still. Just like before all this.

I won’t let this change how I view or treat people. I lit this candle to remind myself that my vote isn’t wasted. I’m voting for us to move forward with light, strength, and healing. I lit this candle to remember to pray.

We’re going to need a lot of grace in the days ahead.

On trust, grace, love, and acceptance in marriage.

We have a lot of power and influence in the lives of our spouse.

Does what you say line up with how you treat your spouse?

Some couples use the phrase, “I’m not your enemy.” to defuse conflict. But this phrase isn’t a magic wand and it can be hurtful if they don’t feel loved and accepted because of your behavior.

We can’t just give lip service to having a great marriage.

This video’s on trust, grace, love, and acceptance in marriage.

On making a comeback with your kids

photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@morganddl

If you’re like me you like comebacks. One of the most thrilling, exhilarating, amazing things in mixed martial arts is when someone snatches victory from the jaws of defeat. When a fighter is down on points or when they’re on the brink of losing consciousness. When they’re way behind and everyone in the room in the arena knows they need a knockout to win, their opponent knows they need a knockout to win, they know that they need a knockout to win, and it happens! Even more than that, it is when you see someone who clearly just will. not. give up.

No matter how beat down you are, no matter how you’ve been dominated, when you’re sparring, when you’re in a fight and you get some damage and you take a few hard shots, you have a choice: you can either tell yourself Oh no, my eye is closing! or He’s stronger! He’s faster than I thought he would be. My best stuff isn’t working. I’m throwing my hardest shots, he’s just shaking it off and he’s walking through it! You can start worrying about losing. Or you can start getting focused on adapting, going to plan B, making adjustments, and focusing on finding a way to win.

I think that’s one thing is that great fighters have is this mindset that no matter how far they might be behind on points that they are going to get the knockout. They are going to catch the guy in a submission. Until the final bell rings believe and are determined they’re going to find a way to win. And I think we have to have that mindset as parents. We have to think of things over the Long Haul. We have to think that if what was working with our kids isn’t getting through. We have to keep changing the angles. We have to keep at it and stay active because maybe the 4th or 5th shot isn’t going to get through but maybe the fortieth or fiftieth shot will. By shots, I don’t mean punches and kicks, things that will damage them. I mean acts of love, bids for connection, consistently and faithfully showing up and pursuing them. Maybe we try something new that we’ve heard is supposed to work. When you are focused and listening and learning and adapting to your child. When you seek to understand them, not just inflict your agenda on them, you can innovate, you can create, you can find a way to get through, to win. As long as you’re willing to be there for your kids, it’s never too late.

You can’t control whether they’ll respond, all you can control is to make yourself available. So if you’re a dad who’s wanting to restore your relationship with your kids even if they’re in their twenties, even if they’re in their thirties, even if they’re in their forties, even if they haven’t talked to you for a long time – you can do this.

You can only control what you’re willing to do and if you’re willing to reach out, if you’re willing to humble yourself, if you’re willing to apologize, despite how things started and how grim things are looking, something good might come out of it still. You might have an epic comeback with your kids. And that would be so much more exciting, exhilarating beautiful to see than any MMA match could ever be.

Ask for what you want and what you need in a relationship

“If you loved me I shouldn’t have to tell you to…”
“It doesn’t count if I have to tell you to…”

I’ve heard this and variations of this idea often in session.

The thing is, healthy couples do tell each other what they want and what they need. They ask for it clearly. And often.

Yes, it’s frustrating if you feel you’ve told your partner something a thousand times. And it’s tempting to think if they cared they would remember.

We want and need different things because we’re different.

For example, after 27 years of marriage, I don’t naturally close the kitchen cabinet doors or pick up after myself. My wife doesn’t naturally want to watch a TV show at the end of the day or put down her work and listen empathetically.

It’s hard (impossible?) to simultaneously make your partner feel wrong and empathetic, for defensiveness and empathy and understanding to co-exist.

Have you ever wanted to feel heard, validated and supported and it ends up becoming a fight? This video on listening and connecting better!
(After making this video, I had to use what I shared to slow down and listen better to my daughter.)


This is a handout I often use with couples on our needs and our fears in asking for what we want and a video on our different Love Styles, how we connect differently.

The Fear Dance handout

This post is on supporting and listening to your partner when they need to vent.

When you see and hear someone you love struggling it can be really hard because you feel helpless and powerless.You just want to DO MORE to help.

Here’s the thing: it may not seem like it but sitting and listening *is* actually doing something.

Very helpful. And very powerful.

How to listen to your spouse at the end of a hard day

Porn and marriage

man using phone
photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@eddybllrd

Porn and marriage. It’s overwhelming. (Just take a glance at the stats here: https://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/)

Years ago when I started I started doing pre-martial counseling asked “Has porn affected your relationship?”. Now I ask “How much has porn affected you and your relationship?”

It’s deeply painful and pervasive.

It can make marriage, or even the hope of getting married, feel so hopelessly broken. Or it just kills all feeling, leaving just emptiness and death of spirit. It’s hard to know where to start.

The bravest and best place is with the truth.

It’ll be the fight of your life. Be brave. Freedom is possible. You might be able to go through the motions of working on your marriage and have this destructive area in your marriage and heart for years or already have.

But don’t you want more? For the both of you?

There was a marriage book that Julie and I read 25 years ago called Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les Parrott.

I know this video just scratches the surface but tonight I want to challenge you to Save Your Marriage Before You’re Caught.

If it’s been a part of your life, since you were young, you won’t fix it overnight but you can begin tonight.

For your sake.

For your spouse’s sake.

For love’s sake.

This is a video on porn and marriage I made as part of a month of daily videos on marriage on Facebook a few years ago.

When one of you is too emotional and one of you isn’t emotional enough

This video is on a common dynamic in couples and in families.


Here are a few resources that can help with this dynamic:

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy For Dummies (don’t let the title turn you off, it’s great).

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Stop the Fight!: An Illustrated Guide for Couples

I recommend this series of videos on boundaries, empathy and listening to most of my clients

Is social media and screen time weakening your marriage and relationships?

Photo by https://unsplash.com/@ling_gigi

Is social media and screen time weakening your marriage and relationships?

These days I talk with individuals and couples about the impact of their smartphones on their lives just as much more than pornography.

This a short spoken word poem on how social media and smartphones can affect our relationships and connection.

Here are a few podcasts that can help if you’re wanting a healthier relationship with your phone.

The Case For Digital Aestheticism

How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life

Building Atomic Habits

One way couples fall out of love

One way couples fall out of love is when they stop listening and lose empathy for each other. Without validation and acceptance, the loneliness, blame, and lack of trust and vulnerability creeps in.

Stress, anxiety, depression, physical or emotional pain, unmet needs can also steal empathy.

This video is a question to help take the risk of opening up and talking about the things you need to talk about.


These longer videos talk more about how couples can thrive during times of stress: